“I write about the power of trying, because I
want to be okay with failing. I write about generosity because I battle
selfishness. I write about joy because I know sorrow. I write about faith
because I almost lost mine, and I know what it is to be broken and in need
of redemption. I write about gratitude because I am thankful - for all of
it.”―
Kristin Armstrong
I am writing today with a heavy heart. In three days it will be exactly five months since I have found myself all alone again. I honestly thought I was prepared to handle life all alone, but I am truly having a difficult time. This life I planned is designed for two people and I am literally running myself ragged trying to maintain. Every time I get down, I think about all that I have to be so very thankful for, but I still find myself feeling sad. I can do this. I know that I can. I will go until I cannot go anymore, and at that point I am not sure what will happen. I will never give up, because my two greatest accomplishments depend on me for love and support, and I will never let them down.
I am extremely hard on everyone, and myself most of all. This is a character flaw in my opinion. I have gained wisdom with age and I no longer dismiss other people's feelings as stupid or inadequate, but I still sometimes think that they are. Of course I have no room to talk, because I carry my own bucket of mistakes and insecurities with me everywhere I go. I do not really understand my feelings of the moment, because I am doing fairly well. I have a beautiful family and home. I have to work to make that happen, but I have never been afraid of hard work. I am maintaining a 4.0 GPA in my Doctoral program, and that is something to be truly proud of. Dr. Billings is my dream.
I think that I am sad because I am missing the closeness and dependability that a person takes for granted when they are loved every day. I miss the knowledge of having someone there that I can count on to help me through the day. I do not like to think I am a person that requires someone to validate my existence, but I like the idea of having someone love me with all their heart.
I know that time helps all things, and I should be patient. That kind of love exists. I know because I have felt it before. It eases the burden on my heavy heart to share it with you and send it out into the cosmic void. So if you read my blog, pray for me, because I can use all the help I can get. KB
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