Ryan Part 2

 “Never cut a tree down in the wintertime. Never make a negative decision in the low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods. Wait. Be patient. The storm will pass. The spring will come.” ― Robert H. Schuller

In exactly seven days, it will be four months since my beautiful little brother commited suicide.  I can honestly say that this has been the most difficult time of my entire thirty-six years.  The holidays were especially hard.  I could not do Thanksgiving.  I gave it my all for Christmas, but that was only for the sake of the children.  I tried to find joy in the season.  I could not.  Everyone has tried to make sense of the tragedy in their own way, but we never get the answers we seek.  There is no solid reason and it does not make sense why a soul so pure would make a decision to leave all those behind that loved him.  Since I last wrote, I have had an extremely hard time controlling my emotions.  As always, I try to push through because there is so much to do.  I have to take care of the house, the children, work, and finish this doctorate because I am oh so close!  Only this tragedy is different than every other one in my life.  I have not found the strength to push through on my own.  I want to so badly, but some days it is hard to breath, much less accomplish anything else.  I am seeing a therapist and hoping dearly that she can help me find the light out of this very dark hole.  I sit in fear that I am going to lose someone else that I love.  The worry is always at the edge of my mind.  I sit for hours and stare at nothing.  My mind is blank.  I cannot find joy in all of the little things that I have always been so delighted in before now.  
I have had better days lately.  I have gotten out of bed and accomplished some things and for every tiny little thing that I would have taken for granted before, I am very proud of myself.  I have never suffered from depression.  Sure I have had hard times, but I have always had Joe Dirt's attitude of "you just gotta keep on keepin on!"  This is a very real thing that most do not understand unless they have experienced it themselves.  It takes all the energy and drive that I have some days to take a shower, and I am learning that that is okay.  We are always our own worst critics, and no one is harder on herself than I am.  I feel I should have the strength and courage to be so much stronger, just like I always have, but it is just not there. I still scream, cry, and rage.  Some days the pain is so bad that I feel like there is a huge hole in my chest.  Today is one of those days.
I write this blog to purify my soul.  It is very therapeutic and there is something weirdly freeing about sending one's feelings out into the cosmic void.  I only want anyone reading it to know that if they are suffering from depression- fight it every single day.  Some days we win and some days we lose, but we are worth the battle.  KB