We Only Regret the Chances We Didn't Take

"You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it." Unknown

As usual, some catchy quote has me thinking about it's application to my existence.  As most of you who read my blog are aware, I was not raised by my birth parents.  I had the great pleasure of having my mom as a mother, and even though she is terribly flawed and drives me crazy, I am eternally grateful that I get to call her my mom.  I had the opportunity to meet my birth mother before she died last year.  She contacted me via Facebook, and I gave it some serious consideration.
When I was a small child, I had the normal thoughts of an abandoned child.  "Was I a bad kid, and that's why she didn't love me?"  "If I had been better, would she have kept me instead of giving me away?"  Now once I got older and understood the situation better, I learned that she was all kinds of troubled herself.  She had drug and alcohol problems so severe, they kept her from raising her family or having a normal life.  I justified her actions by saying to myself that I was better off anyway, no kid should be raised in that kind of environment.  I got to live in a normal house, with a somewhat normal family instead of a shitty trailer park with a loser.  I am nothing if not practical, so I talked myself up for years.  I rationalized and rationalized, because that is what I tend to do.  None of that changed the fact that I was so angry, for so long, that I did not even recognize the anger in myself anymore.
Pardon my french on this one, but fuck her!  It is an extremely difficult task to have children and raise them the best we can.  It would be the easy and cowardly thing to give our children away for others to raise.  (You see that, the anger is still there, bubbling under the surface.)  I think she was a piece of crap to choose her vices over us.  I think she is a piece of crap for saying, "they are better off without me."  So, when I got the message that she wanted to meet with me on her deathbed to explain herself, I said no.  I have no love for her.  I did not care about any stupid excuses she came up with about how why she was such a shitty parent.  I could not even believe she asked to talk to me!  The nerve of her!  Really!
Only, now I wish I would have given her the chance to explain.  Because even though there is nothing she could have said that would make it all better, she could have at least said she was sorry.

Don't live with regret.  Listen to your heart.  I know these are cliches, but they have real world application.  Don't be silly like me!

Until next time.......

In Herself, She Will Find the Strength She Needs

  “Don't let someone Else's opinion of you become your reality.”― Les Brown

I saw this quote today and it made me think.  This is something we are all guilty of doing at some point in our lives.  Perhaps, we have been in a relationship of some kind that wasn't healthy.  This could be with a friend or a lover.  I know this has been true for me.  
I have been called every bad name in the book!  Stupid, idiot, bitch, asshole, jerk and probably so many others, I can't think of them all now.  There has also been a time in my life that I believed these things.  I am just as guilty as the next person of letting the opinion of others constitute my personal feelings about me.  
I think this is a sign of immaturity, at least on my part.  I also think there have been times when I deserved to be called an asshole or worse.  However, I do not think at any point, for any reason, it is acceptable for anyone to make you feel like you are a lesser person or not good enough.  I have heard that people like to talk about others and put them down because it makes them feel better about themselves.  I call bullshit.  Making someone else feel bad about themselves, especially intentionally, is simply being a jerk.
I have been told repeatedly that I was not good enough or smart enough.  I believed it for a while, long enough to allow my self pity to help me make a ton of huge mistakes.
 I say, "NO MORE!"

I am going to keep working really hard, and I am going to do all the things that I want to do.  I am going to get my Doctorate and teach wherever I want.  I am going to write a book or ten.  I am going to be happy. “Happiness does not come from doing easy work but from the afterglow of satisfaction that comes after the achievement of a difficult task that demanded our best.” Theodore Isaac Rubin
Lord help anyone who stands in my way!

Antibiotics Cure Viruses?

I was discussing with a colleague of mine a few days ago an article that he read on the internet.  The article claimed that 60% of Americans surveyed believe that antibiotics kill viruses.  Now, for the sake of argument, we are going to assume that this is a reliable internet source and this information is accurate.

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE??? Antibiotics do not cure viruses.  Nothing cures viruses (yet).  Did you hear about the cure for the common cold?  No you did not, because there is not one!  I bring this up because this is yet another example of people being sheep.
Sheep follow the herd, without stopping to think on their own behalf.  Stop being sheep people!
I have always claimed to be a Republican because I believe in a small government.  Survival of the fittest, I say.  Everyone can make their on way, no matter their origin in life.  I am living proof of this ideal. 
Reading this article, however, makes me very glad that there is the FDA to implement the regulation requiring a prescription for Americans to get antibiotics.    
But there is a deeper problem at work here.  There is a huge chasm between the educated and uneducated in this country.  I am going to leave economic classes out of this all together.  It's simply a decision of each person whether they choose to become educated and know more than what their momma said was the right thing.
There is no excuse for deciding to stay in the masses of the uneducated, except for that Jerry Springer mentality that some have that I dislike so much.  Read a book.  Go see a play.  Get your asses off the couch and go help someone.  You may find that in doing so, you learn something.

I Am Not a Tree

I have been thinking a lot about change lately.  I love catchy quotes and the other day I read this one online.  "If you don't like where you are, then change it.  You are not a tree."  This is especially meaningful to me because there has been a lot of change in my life lately, some of it good and some of it sad. 

The death of my sister has had a lasting effect on my emotions.  I know that sounds strange, but I am not your average emotional gal.  I learned very young that pretty much everything in life is mainly out of our control and there is not a lot of point in sweating most things.  Just keep rolling.  Just keep rolling.  I am well aware that this is emotional immaturity, but it is how I am made.

Having an early childhood like mine, there are certain things that one must do to protect themselves.  I have walls and bridges and moats built around my heart.  The death of my sister broke down all of those barriers.  My heart is absolutely broken in two and I do not know if it will ever be whole again.  I feel as though part of my soul is gone away.  I wish so many things were different, but those are things that I cannot change.  
I pray every day that it will not feel so bad.  That old cliche says that time heals all wounds.  I am just wondering how much time!  I do not have a lot of patience, but I would probably have more if I could sleep!

That is enough of the sad stuff. 

We are moving this week to a house that I love!  We will have more room inside and have room to grow a garden in the back yard.  I will be able to sit outside, even if it is raining. The kids will have their own bathroom (HALLELUJAH)!  The only negative aspect is that I can't get U-Verse.  But you can't have everything, right?   I am super excited and grateful that I get the blessing of making a new home for my family.  I am going to focus on all of the positive changes and hopefully that will help this terrible heartache. 

Until next time....... :-)